Morning Musings

Almost 4am.. I haven't had a dream in awhile. I had one the other night, however. About a dog, looking at me straight in the eyes. It was friendly at first, then it began to growl and get aggressive. I admit, it was scary, feeling out the animal's feelings, I sensed it's hostility and grew nervous and scared. I woke up shortly afterward.

Things aren't always as they seem. Our perceptions are constantly re calibrated with our circumstances. I lived with pain my entire life- a slow grinding pain from my kidney that was atrophying and dying off inside of me for years, unbeknown to anyone. All I ever knew was the ever present pain, until one day, after a great deal of healing,  it was extracted and I felt the relief for the first time. Emptiness, nothingness. The absence of pain. How glorious it is to be without pain! Yet, all I knew before was pain. It seems to me as though I am very accustomed  to the presence of discomfort and unhappiness. This is a creed I have been raised with: be content with what you have. Accept your lot and your circumstances. Be satisfied and happy with the absolute minimum, or nothing at all. If you can thrive in the muck, you can survive anything.

I feel like every goal and action taken in my life has been taken out of various "under dog" stories.

The things that we believe we see aren't always true. When I received my laser eye surgery, when they cut open my eye, my layer of cornea, for a brief moment all the colors in the room were so very much brighter! I thought to myself, "Is this how colorful everything REALLY is?" Stuck behind layers of cornea I was born with has me seeing colors in duller shades. How interesting that we simply accept what we perceive as what the thing is, rather than entertaining that we are bringing experiences and our own set of given circumstances to the table that adjust and mold our perception. Subjectivity at work, even before we can begin to deploy a process of analysis or action.

This kind of thought keeps me invigorated to explore my art.

Also, I sure do wish I was in love.