Kazan Response #1

"Groups are launching pads, I think. It's comforting to find a group of actors and directors and writers who gather together and form a sort of family and talk about what they want to be when they grow up. They fight and they make up; they fall in and out of love; they go to the theatre and to movies and argue about what is good and what isn't. Ultimately, they produce some plays, and, as with the Group, they are based on a shared philosophy of sorts about life and literature and politics. Ultimately, however, the better ones outgrow this infantilization, this having a mommy figure and a daddy figure and a nanny and an older brother to hold your hand and take your side. You break free and take what you've learned and take new risks with new people. That is how, I think, an artist in the theatre grows. Now, a lot of actors just want to make sure they have steady work, so they'll sign up with a group and be a member and do whatever is asked of them. You become your choices." Elia Kazan

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Interesting. EVERYTHING you do, makes you up. From your breakfast, routine, language, relationships... 

I am a believer in that one should work with everyone, especially when beginning to practice anything: in groups, duets, solo. Discover what each environment offers to your process, what you produce when in that particular situation, or what another person brings out in you. Stay specific on just a couple elements that you can track and note or remember for yourself.  Know thyself. Stay specific. Keep growing.

Recently, I find for myself with music thriving creatively when working alone in my cave- though the spurts of brilliance are few and far between.. hard to concentrate and continue energy flow. In big open spaces I tend to want to be more grand, fill the space with affection/declaration.

Man, I love creating things. Keep going, keep observing- keep making it real.

"This will sound very optimistic and simple coming from me, especially after my diatribe, but if you are good, really good, people find out and show up, and you find an audience. I also mean a real audience, not an audience of friends or industry paper. People who don't know or love you or owe you money or a favor: People who care about the theatre and want to see how you contribute to it." EK

Listening to Yourself

I've been laying in bed since 4:30am, and I can't go back to sleep. I went to bed early, didn't feel like going out. I have decided to listen to my body and mind- they tell me I've had enough rest and need to get moving. More and more I have been enjoying sleeping. Eating and sleeping. I hope this lethargy doesn't get a choke hold on my daily routine, although it has been reigning recently.

I put on some Civil Wars, and as I hear the harmonies of these two singers, piano and guitar, I long for romance. My calloused heart seems to move past these feelings of desire more and more easily as I grow older, reasoning past any romantic obstruction. I worry that if I continue like this, I will lose that tender side of myself, perhaps never able to open up and share myself entirely with those I love. Or perhaps this is just paranoia of having been determinedly single for almost 3 years now. A familiar calm washes over my heart and puts those fears at abeyance when I look at my life, the things I take joy from. Happiness is like a wonderful drug that, so long as it is steadily administered, keeps you from feeling the despair of  what has not and will not be in your life. I amaze myself at how quietly content I am simply thinking about beautiful moments... Truly, it makes my heart sing. I oftentimes find this is enough (but, is this enough?) And perhaps no thing will ever be as awe-inspiring as what my heart and mind can cook up. That is daunting; I best walk with my eyes wide open to make sure I'm not missing anything. I thank whatsoever God there is for this imagination of mine.

So I plod along with these thoughts, waiting for life's lightning to strike me into a new state, new vision.

plod

noun

verb (used without object)

1.

to walk heavily or move laboriously; trudge: to plod under theweight of a burden.

2.

to proceed in a tediously slow manner: The play just ploddedalong in the second act.

3.

to work with constant and monotonous perseverance;drudge.