Baby + Christmas Tree

I'm getting better at holding him. He grabs on with his little hands. Looks into me with those familiar deep brown eyes. It makes me smile.

Last year I was sleeping on the same couch feeling an overwhelming calm and contentment I don't usually experience in my life on my own. Now there is a new life growing in the room beside me- life is so fast! My heart races at the prospect of not being able to do the many things in life I want to do: so much music to play, so many people to meet, so many places to travel to, so many things to learn and understand... I'm still in my twenties, but time truly moves swiftly.

Where do I go from here? So exciting :)

A Day Off


Man- I haven't written on this thing in forever! Life is great- so many opportunities and exciting things ahead. I don't think I have ever felt so creative before. Learning how to nurture this state is interesting. I try to keep in the gym in the mornings to keep leveling up my circus/tumbling skills, keep singing and playing guitar, playing piano scales, reading Shakespeare, speaking Shakespeare.. Drinking tea. But I have to continue this exploration of self. It seems to me that I am limitless, but it seems to me now that there are so many things in my heart and mind that were planted there long ago that are now impeding my growth. Issues of family, of love, of passion- things that I have set aside, but need to be dusted off. How often am I myself? I wonder that now-a-days. Actually, the question is "why don't I think much of myself?" Not in an emo, wrist-slashing introspective, but truly: why do I think I am undeserving in life, or that it is not my place to do what I feel is right? Writing this down, it totally sounds like a cop-out, an easy excuse to not engage with risk, pain or failure.

Well screw the path of least resistance! I've only got this one life (as far as I know) and I must continue to pull upon the fabric that makes up me.. if I want to continue to grow and understand myself.

Apocalyptic Dreams

I dreamt that red-orange light filled my window. Atomic bombs were going off in 5 and 10 second intervals. The explosions were deep, resonating in my chest, behind my heart. I could see the mushroom clouds getting closer to my home. I could see other homes disintegrate, sucked and blown away by the destructtion. Whole areas of life cleared away unapologetically, creeping close to where I stood. The top portion of my home was blown away suddenly. I could feel the heat, then I felt the oxygen get sucked away. It drew my body forward gently, yet surely. The inevitable end. I fought it, I feel like I could survive it somehow.

Is this what a warm Dallas night, with two fans blowing on me, creates in my dreams? Whatever the cause, I've never dreamed of such annihilation before.

Midnight Cooking

So I'm making a dish called "Corned Beef Hawaiian." I did so because I had a can of corned beef and a can of pineapple chunks in heavy syrup. Let's hope it is delicious.

Spring semester of my 2nd year of graduate school is over, and already I feel ready to return to California with new eyes to approach my work. I have been told recently to "do what I think works" in regards to my craft, and that is reassuring. I feel more confidant as each day passes in what I have learned- allowing it to affect my life and living rather than looking to see how it should fit, like a puzzle piece. Perhaps there is something in this that I can take to the relationships in my life. I feel like there is a oneness in all that I do, beautiful through-lines that guide my way- but when I seek to "fix" little parts of my life, I quickly become over analytical about the thing, and eventually dispassionate. Then I find myself sitting alone, finding happiness in my solitude. In the car biz, they would call that "talking yourself out of a deal." Only I am dealing with myself... At least I'm not a lay down.

Morning Musings

Almost 4am.. I haven't had a dream in awhile. I had one the other night, however. About a dog, looking at me straight in the eyes. It was friendly at first, then it began to growl and get aggressive. I admit, it was scary, feeling out the animal's feelings, I sensed it's hostility and grew nervous and scared. I woke up shortly afterward.

Things aren't always as they seem. Our perceptions are constantly re calibrated with our circumstances. I lived with pain my entire life- a slow grinding pain from my kidney that was atrophying and dying off inside of me for years, unbeknown to anyone. All I ever knew was the ever present pain, until one day, after a great deal of healing,  it was extracted and I felt the relief for the first time. Emptiness, nothingness. The absence of pain. How glorious it is to be without pain! Yet, all I knew before was pain. It seems to me as though I am very accustomed  to the presence of discomfort and unhappiness. This is a creed I have been raised with: be content with what you have. Accept your lot and your circumstances. Be satisfied and happy with the absolute minimum, or nothing at all. If you can thrive in the muck, you can survive anything.

I feel like every goal and action taken in my life has been taken out of various "under dog" stories.

The things that we believe we see aren't always true. When I received my laser eye surgery, when they cut open my eye, my layer of cornea, for a brief moment all the colors in the room were so very much brighter! I thought to myself, "Is this how colorful everything REALLY is?" Stuck behind layers of cornea I was born with has me seeing colors in duller shades. How interesting that we simply accept what we perceive as what the thing is, rather than entertaining that we are bringing experiences and our own set of given circumstances to the table that adjust and mold our perception. Subjectivity at work, even before we can begin to deploy a process of analysis or action.

This kind of thought keeps me invigorated to explore my art.

Also, I sure do wish I was in love.