Listening to Yourself

I've been laying in bed since 4:30am, and I can't go back to sleep. I went to bed early, didn't feel like going out. I have decided to listen to my body and mind- they tell me I've had enough rest and need to get moving. More and more I have been enjoying sleeping. Eating and sleeping. I hope this lethargy doesn't get a choke hold on my daily routine, although it has been reigning recently.

I put on some Civil Wars, and as I hear the harmonies of these two singers, piano and guitar, I long for romance. My calloused heart seems to move past these feelings of desire more and more easily as I grow older, reasoning past any romantic obstruction. I worry that if I continue like this, I will lose that tender side of myself, perhaps never able to open up and share myself entirely with those I love. Or perhaps this is just paranoia of having been determinedly single for almost 3 years now. A familiar calm washes over my heart and puts those fears at abeyance when I look at my life, the things I take joy from. Happiness is like a wonderful drug that, so long as it is steadily administered, keeps you from feeling the despair of  what has not and will not be in your life. I amaze myself at how quietly content I am simply thinking about beautiful moments... Truly, it makes my heart sing. I oftentimes find this is enough (but, is this enough?) And perhaps no thing will ever be as awe-inspiring as what my heart and mind can cook up. That is daunting; I best walk with my eyes wide open to make sure I'm not missing anything. I thank whatsoever God there is for this imagination of mine.

So I plod along with these thoughts, waiting for life's lightning to strike me into a new state, new vision.

plod

noun

verb (used without object)

1.

to walk heavily or move laboriously; trudge: to plod under theweight of a burden.

2.

to proceed in a tediously slow manner: The play just ploddedalong in the second act.

3.

to work with constant and monotonous perseverance;drudge.