Chat #1

I had an epiphany about suicide the other week

in my voice class-

we were all laying around on the ground, breathing and meditating, when all of a sudden I got this pang of fear and anxiety- I felt like my body was too small for what I needed

and I realized that we are hanging on to life by such a small string of breath- if that stops, we are finished

what is it?

whats more, we dont even consciously monitor that breath- its autonomic

meaning we are kept alive against our will, in a manner of speaking

I freaked out- lol

I get these moments of anxiety that I can control, but I have never had them before in my life

I liken them to claustrophobia

trapped, condemned to suffering.

I mean, I can deal, but..

it is daunting when you think of it all at once.

Old age frightens me suddenly- lol

Sorry if this is a lot- I realize this may not be the best thing to talk about right now

but then there are moments of incredible love;

I was by the pool, ignoring my stomach pain and reading, when this father came in with his little daughter

he helped her down 5 steps, one at a time, holding onto her hand

guided her to the pool

she got close to the water, took it in, and looked back at her father and exclaimed some baby gibberish

the dad smiled and knelt down, splashing the water with his hand

the little girl watched attentively, and then followed his example

they looked at some flowers afterward, but that moment of watching, learning, growing, loving- it was all one and all so beautiful and clear

all at once