Night Time Musings

So another Superbowl has gone by, and the New Orleans Saints now have their first ever franchise victory. It was a fun game to watch- knocked back a couple of margaritas, but sat at my table all alone.. It kind of got to me on some deeper level.

I don't really make friends that easy- really good ones anyway. I meet a whole bunch of people, but tend to judge them too quickly with a surgical analysis, usually resulting in me thinking they are a waste of time. Now, admittedly, I know that every single person out there has something to bring to the table of life. My shortsightedness, or rather my over developed forethought/paranoia(?), seems to rob them of any chance of an interaction with me... Or my chance of interacting with them.

But what is it that I am gunning for? If they are wastes of time, who are the ones I consider valuable? I find that people who do not address major problems in their lives rub me the wrong way. I adhere to the adage: "of the first flaw you see in others, this is usually the one you yourself possess." I have been turning it over in my head what this problem of mine might be. I recall at one point in my life, while I was still in sales, I was very cordial and polite with everyone I met. Not just to support my customer base, but because my level of human interaction was so high that I was in the "groove," so-to-speak. I liked talking to people, and for the most part, people liked talking to me. I find in recent times a sort of dread that overtakes me- it happens as I size up how a new person breathes and moves, and after the first word out of their mouth I can tell if my assertions about them were correct. The scary thing is I am usually right.

I know that living life in the binary is silly; that trying to encapsulate someone into one category or boxed definition just isn't enough so compass the richness of one human soul. However, when anticipating a persons action or word through the means of close analysis, it is hard to ignore the patterns of human behavior that shed light to a situation, very often making it advantageous for me. I have been consciously trying to keep my innate skills at bay, not employing them.. And I fear they grow rusty..

A woman smiled at me- I met her gaze, then quickly avoided eye contact. Why? Why run away? Why always so ready to flee? I do love people. I don't very much like to be alone. Why then do I make such a strong effort to avoid? Perhaps it is some character weakness/facet that I have yet to articulate in myself.